Darkness

21st December.  4pm.

As the light fades the wind growls around the woodland at the top of the hill. The trees stripped down to their dark winter branches lift into a black angry sky. Behind them a thin slice of light sits along the hill top waiting to be eaten by the darkness and the wind. There is rain in the air and the ground is sodden.

It has been raining for a hundred years and my boots slide in the mud as I walk across the field to feed and shut up the chickens and ducks. Night has gathered at the end of the valley; the hill dark against the sky. To the east, I can see three tiny points of red light on the top of hill. Radio masts.

The days begin and end in darkness. Slipping out of bed in the dark, groping downstairs to the kitchen to put on the kettle for that first cup of tea, the dog still curled in his basket with one eye half open. Short days that vanish as you turn around. Jobs outside left undone as the daylight slips away. Four in the afternoon and I slip a torch into my pocket as I close the greenhouses and begin the evening ritual of feeding the poultry and making sure they are safe from the fox that scouts along their fencing at night leaving behind that pungent fox smell that hangs in the morning air.

By the time I finish the last of the light has seeped from the western sky and I am surrounded by darkness as I head for the field shed guided only by the light spilling from its open door. It is time to go home to the warmth of the kitchen. Time to cook supper.

The nights are long, broken only by the sound of rain on the windows and wind catching at the house. Wild, untamed, looking for a way in.

This is Midwinter. This is the evening before the Winter Solstice. The shortest day of the year. The longest night. The point at which the earth’s axis is tilted at its furthest point from the sun. This year the actual moment of the Solstice will happen around 4.19am this morning. (It has turned midnight as I write).  I will be curled around a duvet, fast asleep hopefully and tomorrow will last a mere seven hours and forty-nine minutes. And then the world will shift.

For thousands of years our ancestors have celebrated the winter solstice. From Neolithic settlers at Maes-howe on Orkney five thousand years ago to their descendants at Stonehenge two thousand years later, people have gathered together, surrounded by darkness to wait for the world to turn, for the light to return. This is part of the history that runs through our blood. So, some of us today still gather, pause, and mark the turning point of winter. We can still look into the darkness and see a promise, a promise that light will grow again, that the earth will awake again, and that the seeds we sow will germinate.   

We live in dark times; our world, our planet on the edge of huge changes. We need to stop and look into that darkness, face it, take it and turn it around, find the promise that the light will grow again, that the earth will recover, that the seeds we sow now will germinate for the future.

So a happy Winter Solstice. May the light grow again.

Homework

It is early. Dark outside. An hour and a half before first light. Behind the darkened windows the rain is driving against the glass. I am sitting in a pool of desk light in front of my computer screen; blue light spilling over a cup of tea ready to drink. I am trying to write something.
I have just checked; I haven’t written a blog since May. Since I lambed. Five months ago. I have started lots of them, I have a notebook full of scribblings, mostly illegible now. There is a long one for June when I escaped to Wales for an amazing week of peace and quiet but it remains, a spider’s web of crossing outs, arrows, asterisks, a desperate search for the right words to describe an experience. It never made it onto the computer.


Why? Good question. I could argue to myself it is because I just have not had time. Since that break in June, this year has been totally flat out. I never have caught up, been on top of anything, on the smallholding, in my garden, in my life. The summer accelerated, long, very hot and very exhausting, and this autumn has been wet and frustrating as I have tried to get that one step ahead on next year.


But there is nothing new there. Since I began four years ago doing the ‘good life’ bit, (is that a misnomer?) I have been one step behind. I have never quite managed to get everything sown when it should be, planted out on time, weeded before it became overgrown, cut before it was knee high and somehow it has been fine. There is always food on the plate from the garden, and if the beans are later than my neighbours they have lasted longer.

So why no blogs? I could have found time. I need to write; it is part of what I do as a person, something in one form or another that I have always done. And writing about the other part of me, the need to grow things, to be outside, to feel in contact with the world around me, the world that flies and crawls and grows and provides an amazing side show to our own interwoven existence, is very important. If you enjoy standing on a hillside surrounded by sheep in the rain and wind, you have to share it.


So why can’t I find the words?
I don’t have to search very deep to know the answer to this question. But I do have to struggle to face up to it. 


For the last couple of years, the black spectre perched on the top of the hill looking down on what I am doing has grown. It has drifted down the valley and settled on my shoulder. And it has changed my world. Something I have known about for a long time has become a reality for me and it has made everything I do and write about irrelevant and indulgent. 


So, what is this spectre, this dark cloud? 


It is what is happening to our planet, to our world. It is what is driving our young people out onto the streets to protest in frustration about the lack of response by those they feel should be sorting things out for their future. It is what is bringing together people from all sorts of different backgrounds, compelling them to form groups committed to peaceful disruption that can bring city centres to a standstill with a tube of glue.  It is Climate Change with capital letters.


A few years ago, I would have revelled in a summer like the last two we have had. I would have got an adrenaline kick out of braving a storm like the one that ripped through the south east three days ago. I would have written about them.


No more; I spent this summer trying to keep the lid on a growing sense of foreboding about the future, as I watched the grass in the sheep field turn yellow with the lack of rain, watered struggling vegetables and kept a watchful eye open for the growing problem of fly strike on the sheep. On Saturday, the roar of the wind carried an echo of worse to come in the future.


For me this shadow, this spectre of a warming world has touched everything. It has air brushed the way I look at things around me. It has led to feelings of frustration at the lack of response by those in authority, anger that most of the world carries on blind and deaf to what is happening, guilt that I am not doing more or that I am doing the wrong things, resentfulness that it is happening now when I should be enjoying my retirement and doing what I have always wanted to do, fear for my children and my grandchild, and sorrow for all the things we share this planet with.
More than that it has made what I do, feel self-indulgent and trivial. What does it matter if I sow seeds, and keep sheep and write a blog about it? There is so much going on that is far, far more important than anything I am doing with my life. 
So, should I just give up? Forget the light hearted blogs about things that are never going to solve the planet’s problems. Maybe.
The other question is; do I buy a tube of glue?
It has suddenly become light; outside is a rain-washed grey sky, dark brown soil, rust coloured autumn trees. Another day and it could be beautiful.

Lambing

A face appeared at the entrance to the shelter. Soft light brown wool, a long nose and almond slit eyes that watched me walk down the field towards her. The ewe didn’t move as I got closer.

‘What are you doing in there?’ I asked her. The wind blowing down the field from the west had an edge to it. A storm was blowing in from the Atlantic according to the forecast; strong winds and rain and a fall in temperature, sweeping through the west country and across the south east. A goodbye to the warm, soft Easter weather we had enjoyed over the holiday. But Shetland sheep are hardy. A storm, even with the name of Hannah, was not enough to drive her inside.

I knew what was wrong. My last ewe was about to lamb. As I looked inside the old pig sty which provides the sheep with some shelter, she turned her back to me and I could see watery yellow mucus seeping down the wool just above a large pink, page three udder, full of milk.

‘This had better not be another false alarm,’ I told her. Ten days ago, I had spent the evening with her sitting in the field as dusk had drained the hills of light and the first bats of the season had skimmed through the warm, dry, spring air. She had been panting a lot and looking uncomfortable and she was enormous and I was sure that she was about to become the first of the ewes to lamb. Finally, I had left her as it got completely dark, having decided that nothing was going to happen. But now I knew. So, what did I do? I went back to my shed, grabbed the lambing bag, made a cup of tea, popped it into a flask and found my warm coat because the sun was disappearing behind the horizon and afternoon was slipping into evening. And yes, I grabbed a couple of biscuits from the tin on the shelf. A midwife needs her strength.

By the time I returned the bag of amniotic fluid that had protected her unborn lamb during the pregnancy was showing. I watched and waited as she moved restlessly around the shelter. I could see the outline of the lamb within the bag, the dark colour of the hooves. She was new to this, her first lamb and this is only my third lambing season. We were both novices. We both waited. Should I break the bag or let nature take it course? Seconds, minutes passed. What should I do?

It was at this moment I wished I had my friend Katie at my elbow. Katie with the knowledge and instinctive confidence to know what to do. Katie who has a lot to answer for; if it had not been for her, I would not be kneeling in the entrance of an old pig sty watching a miracle unfold before me and worrying whether or not things were going as they should. She introduced me to sheep three years ago but now has a flock of her own and has moved on, literally, to pastures new, down in Devon.

Lambing is amazing, nerve racking and stressful, full of high moments and lots of ‘if only’s’.

The first lambs had been born late afternoon on Good Friday and predictably I hadn’t been around at the time. With no fuss their mother had deposited them into this world and by the time I arrived, she had cleaned them up and they were on their feet, nosing at the tight, jet black wool beneath her belly that hid her neat full udders, drawn by the smell of milk. Two girls, one black, one white and both beautiful. I waited to see whether or not they were latching on for that all important first feed. By the time night had swallowed the line of the hills, I was confident that the black lamb was feeding but unsure about the other one. I had already shared the birth with half the world on my phone, including Katie and a number of close farming friends. Unsure whether I should leave them I called Katie for reassurance and took her advice. It was a perfect, warm Spring evening, she was a second time mother, the lambs looked strong and I needed my beauty sleep so I left them to it. Lying in bed at two o’clock in the morning wide awake staring at the darkness outside I wondered what I would find in the morning.

When I arrived early at the field they were tucked up in the shelter. Mum was feisty, stamping her feet at my dog and threatening the rest of the flock if they came too close. She had taken up residency in the safest place in the field. The lambs had full bellies. I could relax.

I was there for the second birth, encouraging, feeling the pain as the ewe pushed out a large white lamb. A couple of neighbours had joined me and we stood silently to watch a second black lamb drop effortlessly to the ground. Tiny; and for a second, I thought it was dead. Its mother ignored it and continued licking her first born. I cleared the mucus from its face and nose and popped it under her nose. There was a struggle as it tried to get to its feet and failed. Alarm bells rang as its mother turned away and focused once more on the large white boy who had already found his mother’s milk. I waited and finally the second lamb got to its feet and the ewe started to clean it up. I sat and watched and waited until the sun sank behind the tree line and the edges of the field faded as dusk fell. The rooks settled in their nests and the evening became still. The small black lamb had started to feed. She had a chance now of surviving. I looked hopefully at the shelter. Perhaps her mother would oust the first ewe and use it for the night or they would come to an agreement and share it.

Finally, I left, closing the gate gently behind me.

Halfway to work in the morning with the dog, a van drew up alongside us and Ben, the farmer from along the road who had let my ewes run with his rams in the autumn, wound down the window and asked how it was going. I had known the family for years and Annie his mother had been one of the first to know my lambing had started. I explained about the small, black lamb and he offered me a lift and said he would have a look at it.

But it was too late. When we arrived there was no small, black lamb to be seen. A fox, a badger? As I searched desperately through the patch of stinging nettles along the old fence line, the ‘what if’s’ surfaced; what if I had shut them into the sty over night? Would things have been different. Why hadn’t I done that?

Later that day I sorted out the pig sty setting up a hurdle I could slide into place if it was needed as an overnight shelter. Too late of course but I had learnt something.  

And now, I was standing in front of my last ewe to lamb, watching her struggle, not sure what to do.

I phoned a friend.

I phoned Annie who didn’t hesitate. As I broke the bag, I could see the two front hooves and just the tip of a nose. Ben would be with me shortly Annie assured me. And he was. Long legged, he crossed the field and stood beside me watching the ewe struggle with the birth and decided to help things along, gently pulling on the slippery hooves, fingers carefully easing out the head until it was free and the lamb slipped out of its mother. The next-door neighbour appeared and a second lamb. As I held my breath their mother licked both of them dry and they started pushing and probing the soft fleece beneath her belly following the scent of her milk until they found it.

Ben left. I drew the hurdle across the entrance to the sty and looked down at two perfect lambs.

It was over for this year.

I have learnt some lessons, seen what to do if a ewe needs help and I know that there are some amazing people around me who are more than willing to lend a hand if need be.

A big thank you to them all.

 

A Future Please

I have a little helper once a week now. She may only be nineteen months old and it might all take a lot longer to do but she has great potential as a poultry keeper and shepherdess. With a little training she might also become a gardener. Wednesdays belong to my granddaughter Olivia. She joins me quite early in the morning as I open up the chickens and the ducks and check the sheep. She toddles across the field, waits while I turn off the electric fence, toddles into the chicken run and watches intently as I open the flap to the coop and the birds spill over each other to get out. I watch her, (as only a nan-nan does) as she stands in the middle of the flock of hungry, clucking hens as I collect the eggs and sort out their food. Then it is the field again and into the duck enclosure and a repeat performance as the ducks scurry across to the pond. Straight in, heads down, tails up, ripples on the water and lots of chuckles from a small person.

We then check the sheep; a long walk for someone with little legs, but these are friendly Shetlanders and they cross the field to say good morning and stand still for Olivia to stroke their tight springy wool.

This was my childhood too. I was born here and I grew up surrounded by these hills, this valley, this same sky and this chalk grey soil that sticks to my boots as I move around. I probably never realised how lucky I was as a child to live here surrounded by pigs, chickens and growing things but some sort of chemistry took place because I loved it. I missed it desperately when I was away from it, and when I returned a long time ago, I stopped still and grew roots. I am tethered here.

Boring? Yes. Some people travel, others stay. And I am glad I did because, something from here has rubbed off on me; something which has opened my eyes to what an amazing world we are surrounded by. It feels like an extra sense; a fifth dimension and I have always wanted to share it.

Perhaps, that is why I spent a lot of time trying to show children how incredible our natural world is, trying to foster a connection between them and what is around them so they appreciate it, because from appreciation grows love and the urge to protect. If you don’t connect with something then you don’t care about it. Today we spend more time watching virtual reality than watching sunsets, and this connection with the natural world is slipping away from us and with it the desire to look after the planet on which we live.

We need to rebuild that connection. We need to protect our world, our home, perhaps more at this particular moment in time than ever before. Our planet is now in the midst of its sixth mass extinction of plants and animals in the past half-billion years. We are currently experiencing the worst spate of species die-offs since the loss of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Although extinction is a natural phenomenon, it occurs at a natural “background” rate of about one to five species per year. Scientists estimate we are now losing species at 1,000 to 10,000 times the background rate, with literally dozens becoming extinct every day. The future is bleak with as many as 30 to 50 percent of all species possibly heading toward extinction by the middle of this century.

I guess I want my granddaughter to feel this connection. I failed with my children, I was too busy bringing them up! This is my second chance. Which is why, as we sat munching biscuits, I was pointing out the great tits balancing on the bird feeder.   

I guess I also want her to learn about how we grow things, and how we rear our food; where it comes from (and I am not talking here about the shelves of the nearest supermarket). I feel I need to provide her with a survival kit for the future. Others will equip her for life in a fast-moving technological world, I want to give her knowledge that will help her if that world collapses around her and she needs to go back to basics with a handful of seed and a spade without a computer or a lithium battery to help.

Because her future scares me. Last year the International Panel for Climate Change predicted that we have just twelve years to reduce our carbon output dramatically if we are to limit our global temperature rise to 1.5 degrees. Such a rise is not good but it would make life on earth bearable. If it goes above this figure the future for us as a species, and the future of everything that lives on this earth is bleak beyond our imagination.

At the moment things are not looking good; there is denial, ignorance, complacency. Our government is obsessed and immobilised by Bexit, local government is poorly equipped to deal with crisis and more preoccupied with scoring points off its political opponents than literally stepping in to save the world and the vast majority of people have no idea of the scale of change that needs to take place in their daily lives if we are to get close to lifting the dark clouds that are building on the horizon. 

Like many other people I feel so helpless to change anything. I can get involved in a local group that are pushing for our county and district councils to declare a climate emergency, I can take to the streets with a banner, I can try to reduce my own carbon footprint, I can plant a tree but I can’t overturn the world, shake it, scream at it to wake up and really seriously do something. I can’t close down oil fields, decommission gas power stations, cover a country in wind turbines, plant continents of trees, persuade people to stop consuming so much. I can’t save this amazing, intricate world and the beautiful things in it that I love from destruction.

All I can do is hug my granddaughter close, whisper I am sorry to her, pray and show her how to sow a seed in a pot. 

A New Year Afoot!

I quite like January. I like the dark mornings; the excuse for an extra half an hour in bed, and the warm cocoon feeling of the cottage as I creep downstairs to make that first cup of tea in the morning.

The frenzy of Christmas over, the silent rooms around me, now striped of their yuletide trimmings, the tree, the decorations, the lights, fill with a soft grey calm as the dawn sidles in between the curtains. I let the dog out and lean against the open back door, cup in hand and drink in the tea and the peacefulness. Reaching out into the early morning I can grasp a little bit of time in my hand and take a look at my life before launching into a new year. Look at where I am and where I would like to go. There is time to make plans; the must do’s and the would like to do’s. Time to dream a little about what I want over the next twelve months. Sift through ideas, reshape life before reality and routine cut in and I get back on the wheel and go spinning down a familiar path.

One thing that has become clear over this winter is that I am here to stay. Back in August I was wondering whether to continue keeping sheep. Wondering in fact, whether to continue with any livestock. I don’t think I made any conscious decision about what to do; life just unfolded and, as they say, one thing led to another.

At the beginning of November, three of my ewes took a short trip down the road to a neighbouring farm and met up with a very nice white ram with magnificent horns and, fingers crossed, (no scanning here, just a surprise) there could be lambs in April. I certainly don’t have any holiday plans for that month.

When my chickens started to go off lay as the days shortened, I bought in four point of lay hens to keep the eggs coming in for breakfast over the winter.  Now, for the first time, I have a beautiful Light Sussex laying me pale white eggs.

I also have a freezer full of my own pork, including special things like salami cured with fennel seed, spicy chorizo and some lovely hams as well as tasty joints, bacon and three types of sausage. There is something about a plate of food which is completely home grown, as I never cease to remind my doubting family.

Just before Christmas I took delivery of some fruit trees, apples, pears, plum, quince, even a cherry for the birds to enjoy. They are heeled in at the moment ready to plant out in the bottom field where the chickens and ducks and the woodpecker range.

So, what about this year? There are some must do’s that need to be done very soon involving money. The chickens and ducks need new homes. Their coops are in their third year and falling apart; a fact the resident foxes have probably already clocked and are keeping a watchful eye on. If anyone out there knows where I can buy well made, reasonably priced chicken houses please, please let me know.

The fruit cage needs replacing along with the rabbit fencing around the allotment. I can do the former but the latter is going to need serious digging. Anyone with a post driver and a mini digger that can take out a trench to sink wire netting into.

I need to dig over the polytunnel to install the new leaky pipe watering system I got for Christmas. Other women are delighted with jewellery and perfume, I was thrilled with a hose pipe!

I also need to sort out buying in some more pigs to rear and I am on the lookout for more ducks; Khaki Campbells or Welsh Harlequins for their egg producing capabilities. I will probably buy some more point of lay hens as the days lengthen and the weather improves. Exciting or am I just sad?

What about the would like to do’s for this year; the dreams? I think it is time to revisit my original desire to be self-sufficient and add a dollop of sustainability.

The self-sufficiency has slipped a little. I got caught in our local supermarket just before Christmas buying carrots. I love carrots but can I get them to germinate? I hid the air-miles heavy rice and pasta beneath the milk.

I need to make better use of what I grow. What happened to the rhubarb and ginger marmalade I have been promising to make for the last three years, the bottles of olive oil filled with herbs, the store cupboard bursting with lots of lovely homemade preserves. Time happened. 

I also need to work on the sustainability. Solar panels to run electric fences and the kettle and fridge in the veg shed? Making my own potting compost? Replacing some of the nasty chemicals I use in my home and on my body with natural products taken from the garden? No packaging, no air miles, no pollution. And then there is the dreaded use of plastic.

Christmas reading included a book on living off wild food so in a burst of enthusiasm I have decided to include more wild plants in my diet. After all I have large quantities of nettles and dandelions growing around the smallholding.

So, lots to think about.

In the meantime, there is the magic of January.

Sometimes you have to stop and look.

My diary says;

1^st January Winter Heliotrope in flower in a sheltered dell I pass walking the dog.

3^rd January: 7am, just before daylight, in a clear, cloudless sky to the south hung the waning moon with bright sharp Venus suspended on its tail.

4th January: There is a kestrel hunting over the sheep field. Poised for a second, motionless, hanging in the grey air and then it drops sideways, fast, a blur above the brown withered winter grass.

Fieldfares have appeared taking the last of the windfalls I have left on the ground for them. A Song Thrush opens the morning with its song.  

5^th January: Closing up the ducks and chickens later than usual my head torch picks out two green eyes staring at me from the bank of elder and ash that rises from their field. Neither of us move. I looked away first. A fox waiting for me to forget to put on the electric fence?

6^th January: Greater spotted woodpecker disappearing up an ivy clad sycamore on the walk into work.

8^th January: Two smart cock pheasants have taken up residence in the garden.

13^th January: Snowdrops out in the garden.

The good life.

Winter Solstice

Darkness is gathering along the rim of the hills to the east; light spilling from the heavy grey cloud that has sat hunched, arms crossed, along the Downs all day. To the west, at the head of the valley, a thread of silver light, trapped between black clouds and the dark green of the hills holds the last of the day together. The wind is blowing from the west and carries the smell of rain and something sharper; cold and earthy.

I am standing in the middle of my bottom field, just inside the chicken run. In the wood above me, the rooks are settling into the darkness gathering amongst the ash and sycamore that straddle the lip of the hill. The startled cry of a blackbird breaks from the brambles that trail along the base of the slope that climbs up into the trees. There are splashes of rain, and I turn the collar on my jacket up. I have ducks and chickens to feed and shut up for the night, plants to cover in case it turns cold, a polytunnel to close. I grab the chicken feeder and water drinker and head towards the shed where the food is stored.

Slowly, a huge pale grey-yellow moon rises from behind the sloping stubble field that lays behind me, and lifts through the bare, dark outstretched arms of the apple tree that stands beside my vegetable shed. It climbs on a soft bed of black cloud up into the evening sky and hangs above the darkening ground below, spreading pale yellow light across the sky around it.

The wind lifts across the field as the shortest day of the year slips away into the dark line of the hedgerow. Night, the longest night of the year, rolls off the hills.

We have arrived at mid-winter, the point at which the earth’s axis is tilted at its furthest point from the sun. Tonight, is the turning point of the year as the sun reaches its southernmost point in our hemisphere, pauses, and begins its trek northwards again across the sky.

Tonight, is the Winter Solstice. Tonight, is special; has always been special. Special for those who live close to the earth and its natural cycles. Those whose lives depend upon the weather and the seasons for survival. Hunters, gatherers, farmers, fisherman.

Special, for early Neolithic settlers on the island of Orkney, who almost five thousand years ago, created a burial mound, a chambered cairn, at Maes-howe on a flat, windswept finger of land caught between loch and sea. They carefully aligned the low, narrow entrance to the main chamber, to catch the rays of the low December sun before it sank below the horizon. Evidence suggests that they placed a standing stone at the entrance to the tunnel. They also erected a solitary monolith known as the Barnhouse Stone to the west of the cairn. On the day of the Winter Solstice the sun sets over the top of this stone and its last rays go on to illuminate the darkness of Maes-howe’s inner chamber.

Like their descendants who, two thousand years later built the stone circle at Stonehenge, they would have gathered as the day faded and darkness grew and stood in the silence of that burial chamber to wait for the moment when the last dying rays of the sun ran down the passage and cast light across them and their dead.

This was the turning point of winter. It was a promise. Light would grow again, the earth would warm, seeds would germinate. Those rays of light, down the passage, between the standing stones, bought hope.

But why is the Winter Solstice still special? Why do I pause and take a last look at the dark sky locked against the hills before I start for home? Our lives are divorced from the natural world and its cycles. Outside the temperature has dropped to freezing but the room is warm. We buy, we do not grow the food we eat. We are surrounded by things we have manufactured for our comfort and pleasure, we are cocooned from what is on the other side of the window, cushioned from the hardship of the weather, oblivious to the seasons. We no longer see ourselves as part of the natural world, of its cycles and its seasons. We believe we are in control.

Perhaps, we need a reminder that we are just one tiny speck in a vast, complex, symbiotic whole; that we are part of the same cycle as our ancestors were, that we are bound by the same laws of nature as those early Neolithic settlers on Orkney.  Perhaps we need to stop and stand and watch the sky as the longest night begins; to feel at one with what is around us again.

Then maybe, just maybe, a shift will take place in the way we see our place in this world because we have badly screwed up. As a species we have become too greedy. We have ransacked this planet we depend on, used its resources for our own ends, taken, but given nothing back, forgotten that we are not the only species living here, refused to acknowledge that our way of living is unsustainable and in pursuit of our own mean, selfish ends have become too clever for our own good.

On this eve of the Winter Solstice we are standing in the shadows and staring into a different darkness. Our future and the future of everything that lives on this world, is balanced on a fine knife edge. And I am talking run-away climate change here. A disaster of our own making. According to eminent scientists we have ten maybe fifteen years to turn things around, to ensure there is a future for our children and their children.

We need action, determination to do this. We need to put the planet first and ourselves second otherwise both of us will perish. We need to change the way we live dramatically. We need to make hard decisions, sacrifices in order to survive. We need to realign ourselves with the earth on which we live and we need a ray of light coming down a narrow passage way into a darkened chamber. We need hope.

Decisions

Her fleece is milk-chocolate brown, tightly curled against the skin, soft and lanolin-oily as I run my hand down her back. Her head rests cupped in my other hand. Brown faraway eyes, narrow dark slanted irises look up at me. Her nostrils twitch. She knows I have apples hidden in the pocket of my shorts. This is not a stupid sheep. She has not walked the length of the field for me to fuss over her. She is waiting for her treat. There is a rush of noise as the rest of the flock come running down the hillside towards us. They are not stupid sheep either.

I would miss this; this moment of intimacy with another living creature if I gave it up. I look up towards the woods at the top of the field where the rooks are lazily lifting and falling on the warm morning air. The trees shelter the field from the south westerlies that blow from the coast. It is a good field for sheep. It could do with more shade, something I have learned from this summer. Maybe a lean-to shelter of some sort in a corner which catches a cool breeze. My mind wanders off into plans for the future before I quickly catch myself and stop. I have a decision to make; the decision of whether or not I carry on with the sheep.

Sheep were never really part of the masterplan for this place, but then there was never really a master plan either. It just grew and the sheep just happened along. Seven Shetlands in need of a home, four wethers and three ewes. 

At the time my friend Katie was helping out with the allotment side of things, mainly out of the kindness of her heart and the odd bag of nibbled vegetables and pick your own fruit. Katie had been a shepherdess in a former life and in passing had said, with a far off look in her eye, she would love to keep sheep again. That look was there when we went to visit our new potential flock and discovered these weren’t any old sheep. They were Shetlands with a pedigree and proper ancestry. So somehow, we ended up by having a family. Think puppy syndrome. Who goes to view a litter of puppies and ends up coming home empty handed?

So it was, a few weeks and some hard work fencing later, the Shetlands arrived. I knew nothing at all about sheep apart from the fact that they had four legs, hooves that could cause problems if wet, and woolly coats that needed removing once a year. Katie was the expert. I still don’t know much about sheep but I look after them on a day to day basis and telephone Katie in emergencies and for advice. Over the last three years (is it really that long?) I have grown accustomed to having them. They have become part of the daily routine. I have stood and watched them lamb, worried about fly strike, carefully trimmed their feet, and fed and watered them in the snow.

Now things are changing. Last year Katie took on more sheep, renting land near where she lives and now she is seriously thinking about moving down to the west country and buying a small holding. If her dream becomes reality and she leaves I am on my own with my small flock of woollies. The question is, do I know enough to become solely responsible for them. Am I up to the job. Am I strong enough to handle them or am I too old now to do this?

The question of whether or not to keep the sheep or send them down west with Katie poses a larger question. How much do I want to do on the smallholding in the future? Should I be thinking about scaling down, reduce the number of vegetables I grow, phase out the ducks and the chickens and buy my eggs from the supermarket. Do I run pigs again next year; my sweet, playful piglets have become very large and pushy and I have a plaster on the back of my leg where ‘Ginger’ decided I was tastier that the contents of the bucket I was carrying. They are getting scary!!

I have struggled this long hot summer to keep on top of everything in the kitchen garden. I have been running since April to keep up.

Just at the moment I feel I probably need to catch my breath. I have been lucky this summer. I have had a night camping, another bivouacking, two weekends out, and a short trip away. More than a lot of farmers and small holders manage to arrange.  Going away can be a nightmare to organise, exhausting before you go trying to get up close with everything and hard work when you come back trying to catch up. Sometimes it is easier just to stay still and keep on working.

But I find myself wondering what happened to Sunday once a week and the pledge I made the dog that we would get out for a ‘decent’ walk regularly?

Equally, I have suddenly become aware of my age; the mirror in the morning says it all.

I also have a new little person in my life who is going to need her Nan to look after her on occasions.

So, am I saying I should wind everything down, squander the children’s inheritance, buy that camper van and drive off into the sunset?

What I do know is that this autumn is decision time. I need to look at the future and decide what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Do I carry on or let the reins drop and go for a softer, easier existence. Tempting.

There is the sound of quiet munching all around me as the sheep take the apples they are offered. A soft breeze shivers through the wood. The sun is lifting above the hills and warming my back. All is right with the world. I am going to walk down to the veg shed, put the kettle on and go through my list of jobs for the day.

Maybe I can find a beginner’s course on how to handle sheep, enlist some help to re-net the fruit cage and dig the rabbit fence, or even plan a few good canine walks.  

I wonder where the best place for a sheep shelter is?